I did the right thing...

I am sitting at the farthest seat... seeing him from afar. I don't know what kind of emotion dwells inside me. How would you call a feeling which is a mix of failure and success, of regret and triumph, of having lost and having found? Whatever it is, it lingers all over me, travelling through my veins, giving me that cold, uneasy feeling inside.

I met him in this very same place. We were singing, while he was playing the keyboards, teaching us. During breaktimes he would share stories with us, laugh with us, and sometimes just sat there with us. I loved laughing at his jokes. I loved listening to whatever he said. Moments with him were never boring... He has this aura and tone that will make you want to always listen to him.

There are many things to like about him.... but I liked it most when he would play the keyboards from his heart. He puts his soul into his music. Every sound he produces from those ebony and ivory keys is an expression of his inner self. But not everyone noticed it the way I did... that's why no one but me looked at him so deeply. No one but me listened to his music so eagerly.

Later, he made me understand why I loved his music. Not only could I relate to it... It speaks of me. His notes, his words, his movements, everything I saw and liked about him, was all about me. He loved me... He loved me so much and it was the only way he could let his feelings out. His songs spoke of hope, pain and confusion... Hope that someday we could be together. Pain because to have me he had to make a great sacrifice. Confusion because he didn't know if it was right to make such a sacrifice so we could be together.

He didn't tell me at first. But the power of his music reached my soul... Suddenly, I found my soul singing with him. I felt so connected to him. I found myself in love with him...

His plans changed. He used to be so determined to achieve his dream, but he decided to abandon his lifelong dream for me. He made that sacrifice of choosing me over the One who chose him. Then he had me.

At first it was a perfect relationship. He was my perfect guy and I was his perfect girl. Never was there a day when he didn't make me feel special. Even if we were so apart, he never failed to make me feel his love for me. It wasn't everyday that we communicated. In fact we seldom did. Perhaps it was the innate connection that made everything possible despite the distance and the odds. And in those very few stolen moments, we filled each minute with love so that our hearts would have something special to cherish.... until we could steal another moment for the two of us.

But reality is always there to wake us from our deep slumber. I fooled myself into thinking that we were building our dreams together, that I was really the one for him, that he belonged to my world, and that everything was just a preparation for my coming into his life. But everytime I looked at him, all I saw were still pain and confusion. I wasn't building his dream, I was destroying it. He does not belong to my world, because he was called for something more important. Everything did not happen in preparation for my coming into his life... The truth is, I was brought into his life to test the strength of his heart. I was a test that became a roadblock.

Then everything changed. It had to go back to its place, to where everything was before I came. He kept on telling me that he wanted to stay, that he didn't want to go back. But I felt fear in his words. Inside him was something different. I knew the Voice was so strong, and it is only his love for me that hindered him. He was so weak to do it, so I had to be strong for him. I had to be the one to decide. I did. I put an end to the two of us.

I saw him break down and cry. I heard him ask countless questions, and I saw him break down even more when he seemed to find no answer. I wanted to still be there for him, but I kept my distance because I knew that it was the right thing to do... and to still be with him even as a friend would make forgetting even more difficult for him. I had to go, and my leaving had to be as abrupt and as painful as I can. I wanted him to get hurt so that he could give up on romantic love and start to hate it. I wanted him to get mad at me so that it would be easier for him to let go and move on.

I went on with my life. At the start it was so difficult. But knowing that I did the right thing made it easier for me to deal with everything. Eventually, I bounced back to the wide world of mine, and became happy in it. There were still times when I think about him and what could have happened if I didn't end it. Would we still be together? Would he end up with another girl? Or would he be the one to break up to go on with his dream, and leave me in tears? But hearing news about him erased all those questions in my head. He did great in his journey... and he was just a few steps away from finally getting there. A few people who know about our past sometimes told me that he missed me, and that he still loved me. But I never dwelt on that thought. It would only bring back the pain, coupled with regret in the idea that I didn't make the right choice.

Now I'm still here in my place... Still seeing him from afar. He is there... at the altar, in white... raising the Holy Bread and Wine. He did it. He realized his plans, reached his dreams, and followed the Voice inside his heart. He is now a priest, and I am attending the Holy Mass that he celebrates. There used to be just him and me. Now, it is him, me, the other parishioners, and God. The mixed emotions I felt turned into feelings of pride, happiness and fulfillment. My sacrifice was paid off. His pain and tears were worth it. Finally...

As I stare into the image of Jesus Christ on the Cross behind him, I close my eyes and say a prayer to God, thanking Him for guiding us into the right track, for making me an instrument in strengthening his vocation, and for making everything all right. Then I open my eyes...and seeing him again, I tap my own shoulder and tell myself... I did the right thing.