Birthday Party...the JOLOGZ way

Lifted from my friendster blog...

July 26, 2006 is written on my calendar using bold red ink and highlighted with neon yellow, not because I would get to meet Regine Velasquez in person or have a free makeover from Ricky Reyes’ own hands, but because I would be having an advanced celebration of my birthday. It is not unusual to celebrate one’s birthday (of course! Duh?!). In all 22 years of my life, my birthdays were always made special by my family and friends. But this time, it felt different because I would not be the only one celebrating the Big Day. We planned for a triple birthday bash for me and two of my closest friends, Tutuy and Mama Su. This is the very first time JOLOGZ would be experiencing this kind of celebration, which made me very excited… to the 3rd degree!

It started when Tutuy told us that he wanted to have his party at our house. Mama Su and I decided to join…. so we could spend less. Hahaha! But it turned out to be not only a cost-saving scheme, but a “fun-enhancing” idea. (I would not think of it as time-saving because it is never a waste of time to plan for parties with your friends.)

With the help of our friends (special thanks to Tiya Weng), we came up with a menu that cost us a humble amount of 500 bucks each. I remember the years when spending such amount is a huge pain in the ass. But now that we are already professionals… hah! Piece of bubble gum! (yabang!)

Who would want to wake up early on a cold morning for general cleaning? Me! Hehehe… On that red-letter day, we cleaned our apartment unit as if the US President would be coming. Very tiring it was! We sanitized the areas which were left dusty and dirty since forever… but we didn’t mind the achooos!, yucks! and eewws! because we wanted our place to be ready for the party. When it was finally done…. Whew! You should have seen how organized our room was… costing us only 56 bucks each for cleaning materials! (By the way, as of this writing, it already got back to its old messy appearance. Hehehe…)
 
It’s party time! The event was graced by the most special persons in the world, next to our family….JOLOGZ! We had a simple dinner of spaghetti, pansit malabon and barbeque. We also had pizza from Mama Su and cake from Tutuy. What was my share? Hah! Red wine and brandy, as per Tutuy’s request. FYI: JOLOGZ don’t usually drink… but we thought it’s good to try once.

After dinner, we indulged into the stuff that bonded us in the first place….SINGING! Thanks to my new credit card, I was able to buy a dvd-videoke player so we no longer need to go to ktv bars and splurge our cash just to sing. It was rockin’ fun! We belted a few serious songs, and jammed on lots of funny songs. We danced like disco rats and laughed till our jaws dropped.

Finally, we came to the serious part of the event… open forum. I think this is the secret ingredient of our friendship. We are always in touch with each other’s emotions, and I mean deep emotions. We do not think it’s shameful to reveal secrets which others may find scandalous. We find comfort in sharing our lives with each other… and we take pride in being each other’s confidant. Our sharing is, well… reserved for us and will be kept to ourselves for eternity.

As we were about to sleep, I whispered a short prayer, thanking the Almighty for this wonderful day, and wishing for more moments like this to come. I will never forget this day, for it was when I have proven to myself once again that TROPANG JOLOGZ is still alive no matter how busy we all are… no matter where are paths would lead us.

While You Are Sleeping

This is a song written out of love...

I wanted to tell you
How I love those eyes that stare at me with love
I wanna let you know
You’re the greatest gift someone like me could have
I melt inside when you smile at me
And when you hold my hand, I know
Forever you will be with me…

But I tremble when I try to speak
And I don’t know how to start
There’s only one way I could tell you
What’s inside my heart

While you are lying beside me tonight
I’ll whisper those words while holding you tight
I’ll be watching over you
While painting your face in my heart
That knows no other love but you
When you wake up tomorrow
I’ll still be with you
I’ll be waiting for another night
And while you’re sleeping
I’ll tell it all to you over again…

I wonder if you
Could hear my voice and see me in your dreams
I hope you could feel my love
As I wrap you in my warm and sweet embrace
I am yours and you are for me
And until the end of time, I know
Together we will always be…

I will love you forever
The best way I know how
There are just things I’d like you to know
And I wanna say them now

So while you are lying beside me tonight
I’ll whisper those words while holding you tight
I’ll be watching over you
While painting your face in my heart
That knows no other love but you
When you wake up tomorrow
I’ll still be with you
I’ll be waiting for another night
And while you’re sleeping
I’ll tell it all to you over again…

Don't Tell Them It's Over

Once, a friend of mine opened up to me and shared her PATHETIC love story. I cried with her... and my emotions and feeling of sympathy moved me to write this song...

So, you’ll go
Telling me that leaving is the right thing to do
You want me to let go
But that’s one thing I can’t do
Coz in my heart it’s always you

I can’t go on
It’s so hard to understand what went wrong
But if there’s no other way
I can ever make you stay
Then I’ll have to see you walk away

Refrain:
Before you break my heart and go
There’s one thing I’m asking from you….

Chorus:
Please don’t tell them that it’s over
Let’s pretend that we are still together
I never want them to see
The pain inside of me
Honey, it won’t take long
Coz soon you will be back into my arms
Where you belong

If they know a thing
They’d come to see the pain that I am feeling
And when they look into my eyes
I’ll only get to realize
That you’re no longer by my side

Oh, I know
The ones who care for us would be hurting, too
Spare them from the pain
Alone, I’ll cry in the rain
Don’t let them see it’s killing me

Refrain:
They would tell me to let go
But I still find it hard to do, so…

(Chorus)

Bridge:
I still wanna face each day believing
That you are still with me
Let me fool myself and live with lies
Oh please, just let it be
The only way I can live my life
Is to spend it loving you
I never want them all to know
I’m just too weak to let go
I can’t let go…

(Chorus)

Where you belong…
Please don’t tell them that we’re through
Till I can finally let you go…

Move on!

Written during my review for the CPA board (if my memory serves me right)...

Here I am again, playing with the keys of my computer, trying to think of the right words to define what’s in my mind. I’m staring at the screen, hoping that the answers to all my questions would just come out. But all I see is a blank sheet, waiting for me to put something in it. And inside me is nothing but abstract thoughts...

Minutes went on, and those shattered pieces of my ideas began to form a vivid image of the man I’m trying so hard not to think of, but is insisting to stay in my head. That man is you. So I realized that it isn’t my brain, but my heart, that speaks within me. My mind knows who I should think of, and it’s certainly not you, for reasons we both know. It is my heart that doesn’t welcome any reason. It only feels for you.

That budding feeling inside me has grown into its full blossom. You used to be on my mind in my quiet moments. But now, I think of you in even the noisiest time of the day. I no longer miss you in solitude, for in those moments, I just close my eyes and I’m with you. Taking a glimpse of your smile in your photograph is enough to keep me going whenever I feel like giving up. I finally found the perfect words to define this feeling. What else could this be, but Love?

If this is just a dream, then this is the most wonderful dream I ever had. So please don’t wake me up yet. I’m not yet ready to see beyond this fantasy. You might not be there when I wake up. Spare me this moment to experience how it is to be loved by you. Give me this chance to know you better, to set the dove in my heart free. Perhaps, by going through this dream, I could have the strength to step back to reality, and find the one who’s really meant for me. If it would be you, then nothing could be more wonderful than to live my dream. But if not, memories of you should be enough for me to go on.

Forgive me for not being brave enough to fight for my feelings. I can’t trade my future for this short moment of bliss. I’m still unsure where my real happiness is. If it’s in you, please show me. If you’re the right one, please fight for me, and if you would win, please take care of me. To regret is the last thing I would ever want to do.

I don’t know where tomorrow will lead me. So if this is my last chance, I opt to take it. I’d rather tell you how I feel at this very moment, than be sorry for myself if this chance would not come again.

I LOVE YOU.

I'm Learning My Lesson

I wrote this when I was in college...

One of Life’s greatest lessons has been delivered to me. It didn’t require me to enroll in any university…no homework, recitations, projects and quizzes. I wish it could be that easy, but I have to learn it the hard way. I am the student, Life is my professor, Love is the subject, and the most effective tool that Life is using for me… is pain. I have to take down my notes on the blank sheets in my heart using the sharpest pen, and every stroke hurts me. Memories, regrets, broken hopes and shattered dreams are all engraved in my heart.

Years ago, I met a boy who brought music into my quiet world. My little universe turned into the brightest galaxy. We knew it was true love, I mean, what else could it be? We started to share each other’s dreams and build castles in the air. But because we were both young and impulsive, a single, petty quarrel ended our fairy tale…

…So I thought.

Our relationship ended, but not our story. We promised to wait for each other until we get ready for a lifetime commitment. But I easily gave up and started searching for my own happiness away from him. I had been trying to look for what I think I deserve, but at the deepest part of my heart, it has always been him. I learned to appreciate, and love, the other guys that came into my life, but everytime I’d step out of a relationship, his company would be my resting place. That could mean nothing but love. He waited for me with such great patience, endured every strand of pain I caused him, embraced me with open arms whenever I’d run into him, and selflessly gave me freedom when another man would take me away from him.

Recently, I decided to finally set my hidden feelings free. He was there, sharing few but precious moments with me. Once again, I got the chance to experience that different kind of happiness that only my One True Love can give. Everything happened so fast, and if action truly speaks louder than words, I would say that we were already having our second chance. He told me that he is already a changed man, that he loved me, and that he wanted me back. I never gave him any direct answer, but I showed him just what it is. I still love him… I have always loved him… and I love him beyond what any word can define.

Just when I thought everything was already in its proper place, the bitter truth was revealed to me. There is already another girl in his life. He got tired of waiting for me. The whole time I thought that he was holding on, he was actually letting go. I felt so helpless; I could do nothing but cry for the death of my dreams. I didn’t get the license to get mad at him. In fact, I understand. I kept him hanging for so long, and it’s perfectly natural for him to give up. It’s just so sad that he had to go for me to realize how much I love him, and what he really means to me.

People tell me to let him go, and just choose someone else who would be willing to do anything for me. I have always been in control, but this time, I’m too powerless. How will I forget him when everytime I try, my mind takes me back to the times when he told me that he loved me with all sincerity? I can only recall our happy memories, for if there are sad ones, I have forgotten about them. I’m holding on, believing that everything he told me was true. He may already belong to someone else, but it doesn’t stop me from hoping that inside of him, it’s still me.

Truly, there are many options available for me, but because I love him, I’m choosing him. Who cares if I’m being stupid? I’m not losing hope that perhaps, it’s just one of the many challenges I need to face before I could spend the rest of my life with him. My world has always been so bright, so maybe I need some darkness to better appreciate the light he is giving me. He had done great sacrifices for me, so why not do the same for him? He had waited for me, and I guess it’s time for me to pay him back.

Every second of waiting kills me, but no matter how painful it is, I still find happiness in every tear that I shed for him. Someday, my tears would create a river going to the ocean where he is…then he would be sailing back to me.

Love entered my life and gave me so much happiness, but because I didn’t handle it with utmost care, it slipped off my grasp and flew away. Now, I’m learning my lesson. When true love comes along, hold it with both hands. Never hesitate to show the person you love how much he means to you. Tomorrow might be too late. Life showed me that time can change everything. There is never an assurance that when a person loved you once, he will be yours forever.

I don’t know if he would still come back to me, but I won’t force myself to forget him when I really can’t. I know that someday, our paths will meet again. The love that he felt for me before is the same love that will bring him back to me. I’ll keep on waiting for as long as I love him. I owe it to him… I owe it to myself.