I'm Learning My Lesson

I wrote this when I was in college...

One of Life’s greatest lessons has been delivered to me. It didn’t require me to enroll in any university…no homework, recitations, projects and quizzes. I wish it could be that easy, but I have to learn it the hard way. I am the student, Life is my professor, Love is the subject, and the most effective tool that Life is using for me… is pain. I have to take down my notes on the blank sheets in my heart using the sharpest pen, and every stroke hurts me. Memories, regrets, broken hopes and shattered dreams are all engraved in my heart.

Years ago, I met a boy who brought music into my quiet world. My little universe turned into the brightest galaxy. We knew it was true love, I mean, what else could it be? We started to share each other’s dreams and build castles in the air. But because we were both young and impulsive, a single, petty quarrel ended our fairy tale…

…So I thought.

Our relationship ended, but not our story. We promised to wait for each other until we get ready for a lifetime commitment. But I easily gave up and started searching for my own happiness away from him. I had been trying to look for what I think I deserve, but at the deepest part of my heart, it has always been him. I learned to appreciate, and love, the other guys that came into my life, but everytime I’d step out of a relationship, his company would be my resting place. That could mean nothing but love. He waited for me with such great patience, endured every strand of pain I caused him, embraced me with open arms whenever I’d run into him, and selflessly gave me freedom when another man would take me away from him.

Recently, I decided to finally set my hidden feelings free. He was there, sharing few but precious moments with me. Once again, I got the chance to experience that different kind of happiness that only my One True Love can give. Everything happened so fast, and if action truly speaks louder than words, I would say that we were already having our second chance. He told me that he is already a changed man, that he loved me, and that he wanted me back. I never gave him any direct answer, but I showed him just what it is. I still love him… I have always loved him… and I love him beyond what any word can define.

Just when I thought everything was already in its proper place, the bitter truth was revealed to me. There is already another girl in his life. He got tired of waiting for me. The whole time I thought that he was holding on, he was actually letting go. I felt so helpless; I could do nothing but cry for the death of my dreams. I didn’t get the license to get mad at him. In fact, I understand. I kept him hanging for so long, and it’s perfectly natural for him to give up. It’s just so sad that he had to go for me to realize how much I love him, and what he really means to me.

People tell me to let him go, and just choose someone else who would be willing to do anything for me. I have always been in control, but this time, I’m too powerless. How will I forget him when everytime I try, my mind takes me back to the times when he told me that he loved me with all sincerity? I can only recall our happy memories, for if there are sad ones, I have forgotten about them. I’m holding on, believing that everything he told me was true. He may already belong to someone else, but it doesn’t stop me from hoping that inside of him, it’s still me.

Truly, there are many options available for me, but because I love him, I’m choosing him. Who cares if I’m being stupid? I’m not losing hope that perhaps, it’s just one of the many challenges I need to face before I could spend the rest of my life with him. My world has always been so bright, so maybe I need some darkness to better appreciate the light he is giving me. He had done great sacrifices for me, so why not do the same for him? He had waited for me, and I guess it’s time for me to pay him back.

Every second of waiting kills me, but no matter how painful it is, I still find happiness in every tear that I shed for him. Someday, my tears would create a river going to the ocean where he is…then he would be sailing back to me.

Love entered my life and gave me so much happiness, but because I didn’t handle it with utmost care, it slipped off my grasp and flew away. Now, I’m learning my lesson. When true love comes along, hold it with both hands. Never hesitate to show the person you love how much he means to you. Tomorrow might be too late. Life showed me that time can change everything. There is never an assurance that when a person loved you once, he will be yours forever.

I don’t know if he would still come back to me, but I won’t force myself to forget him when I really can’t. I know that someday, our paths will meet again. The love that he felt for me before is the same love that will bring him back to me. I’ll keep on waiting for as long as I love him. I owe it to him… I owe it to myself.