Send My Love to Heaven

I first learned about this story from my classmate in college. One of the most touching love stories ever written. I got the chance to read it again by searching the web. I hope the author won't get mad at me for having posted it here. Here it goes....

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What can I say about a girl I loved since I was ten... that I love the way she laughs at me when I commit mistakes, the way she fusses over silly things and even the way she cries over some sad silly late night show...

She was my best friend and I have known her since we were small. She knew all my secrets, which reveals my feelings for her, that I love her not only because she's pretty and smart but also the way she laughs at everything and the way she sees life and love. I could still remember the first time we met; I was five years old then. It was one windy afternoon having no one to play with except for my best friend, Troy. He and his family just moved out to a neighboring state at transfer because his father got promoted. And so I climbed up our tree house, I saw a moving truck coming down the street. I watched it approaching and noticed a family station wagon following it. It stopped in front of the house and out came a family. I was about to glance away when came out the loveliest girl I've ever seen.

She was four years old that time but then even at an early age she was a beauty. She had long curly hair, which reached almost to her waist. She had fair complexion and eyes which could make a man lose his heart into them. I continued to watch her when suddenly she looked up and saw me watching them in the tree house window. I was about to duck when she smiled and waved her hand. I waved back and then watched in amazement as I saw her running towards the tree house. So I went to the edge of the ladder and said, "Would you like to come up?" she answered, "May I?" So I help her climb up and when she reached the top she then turned to me and said, "By the way, my name's Sam, what's yours?" I answered, "My name is Christopher but then you can call me Chris." She smiled and said, "Well I like your name. Hey your tree house's neat!" then I replied, "Thanks! Troy and I made this. This used to be our hide out. We used to goof around, play ball and go biking together. He was my best friend and I kind of miss him you know." She smiled and said "I'm here now, we could do things you do with Troy and I could be your new best friend too. I never had a boy for a friend before so it could be exciting to have one. I could learn how to play ball and I have my bicycle so we could go biking together. Now how does that sound to you?" I smiled and said, "Well that sounds good enough." Then she held her hand and said, "It's a deal then!"

So that's how it started. So we became best friends and it was kind of strange at first for she was a girl and there are things which I was little bit hesitant to indulge her like catching frogs, swimming in the lake and climbing trees, but then she tried and did everything just to please me. There was even a time when she fell off the bike trying to catch up with me in a race we had and I was the one who bandaged her scraped knee. I could still remember the time when she hit the window of our neighbor when we were playing baseball and it was I who talked to Mr. Chambers and promised to pay for the damage, which meant having to loose a week's allowance. I remembered the time when I fell off the tree when I tried to rescue a little kitten because Sam was near to tears when she saw the helpless kitten trapped in a branch. I even fought with the tough guy when they teased Sam and made her cry and I ended up having a black eye and a bruised cheek. I remember Sam crying as she placed an ice bag over the damaged eye and later gave it a get-well kiss. I did everything to please her and gave everything her little heart desires.

The lake was our favorite hang out. We had our Saturday swim routine. We would pack food and later eat them under the big oak tree. There was a special branch in which the two of us could sit together and tell each other's dreams. She dreams of being a Ballerina and she knows my dream of becoming a doctor. She never laughs at my dreams and pursuits even if they were quite impossible. It made me like her even more.

As years went by, I noticed that my feelings towards her were slowly changing. Somehow, I thought it was just a simple crush case. But when I started thinking about her at night, dreaming of her and having the feeling of wanting to be with her all the time, I thought it was something different, something that made me feel strange, but then it was exhilarating feeling. It made me feel so alive. Whenever our hands touch, I could feel the tingling sensation in my spine. Once when we were at the lake having our Saturday swim routine and as I carried her towards the water edge, I had the feeling of not wanting to let go. I just wanted that moment to continue hoping it would never end. I then realized I was slowly falling in love with my best friend.

Many times I tried to deny the feeling for I was scared to imagine what would happen if ever I'd try to tell her how I feel about her. I was scared because she might think that I'm taking advantage of her and our friendship. I was afraid of losing her so I just kept my feeling hidden.

We reached the age of fifteen and I noticed that Sam grew lovelier each day. How my heart aches wherever I see boys glance her way. I want to punch their noses as I watch them talking to her giving compliments, flowers and chocolates. There were times when I watch her at a distance with mixed feelings of anger and hurt! Because it hurts so much to know that there were so many things I wanted to tell her but then I could not do so. There were so many presents which I long to give her but then I could not for she might see me only as a friend. I was also scared of letting her know how I feel about her as much as losing her.

Then one day, I just learned from a friend that she already had a boyfriend. At first, I tried to convince myself that it was just a rumor. Her boyfriend was Mark, a popular senior, who was the heartthrob of the campus. She, being the cheerleader was close to the basketball team to which Mark was the captain. When I saw them walking together at the parking lot that afternoon, I watched her with my heart slowly breaking into pieces. I saw her wave at me but I just pretended not to see her for I was scared that she might see in my eyes the pain I'm feeling inside because of seeing her with another guy. Those days that followed where the saddest days of my life. How my heart aches when I see her walk by me with him at her side. Every time we meet in hallways and I see him around her, there's a feeling inside me that makes me want to grab her away from him. How it hurts to see the girl I long possess was now owned by somebody else. That special smile I long for her to cast on me was now casted on him. As she passes by me she doesn't know that I whisper the words "God how I love you."

Then one faithful day they broke up. She came too me that evening crying on my shoulder. They had a big fight and it ended up with their break up. Mixed feelings were scaring me inside. I was happy because she was free and maybe I would have the chance of telling her my true feelings for her but then I was feeling so bad because she is crying her heart out just for him. At that time, I was not quite sure of what I wanted to do.

So we found ourselves doing what we did in old days with our Saturday swim routine, spending time in our tree house. We still enjoyed doing childish pranks for we still are both young at heart. So many chances I had for me to confess my feelings for her but still I couldn't bring myself to her for I was scared of losing her once more. I once lost her, now I could not bear of losing her again by telling her, "I love her". So I just kept my feelings even if it was bursting to be expressed from my aching heart.

It was a week from our JS Prom, we were seated at the branch of an oak tree drying ourselves after our afternoon swim when she said, "I was wondering Chris if you would like to be my partner?" It just got out of my wits for it was like a dream I never thought would happen. It took me awhile to answer her, "I thought there are so many boys who would die for you to be their partner?" So she turned away and quietly said, "Well I just thought I would like to spend that night with my best friend." Then she continued in a whisper I could barely hear, "Don't you want to die just like them to be my partner Chris?" I was too stunned to speak for it came close for me to blurt my feelings for her. We… we're silent for a while until I finally whispered, "I would be happy to be your partner Sam. "The she smiled and suddenly kissed my cheek. I could hardly contain the joy I felt that time. I saw her turned red and bowed her head. Suddenly she stood up and run towards the water saying, "Last one to reach the water treats to sundae fudge!”I ran slowed up so that I would lose which meant having to have her with me for another three hours or more.

Our Prom night came. I bought a new tuxedo and poured almost the entire bottle of perfume. I went to fetch Sam. Sam's mother greeted me and I went to sit in the living room waiting for her to come down. I was talking to her father when I heard her say, "How do I look?" I look up and saw her lovelier than ever in a strapless white dress with her hair flowing around her face. I stood up and opened my mouth but found out I could not find my voice. Then I got her hand shakily fastened the corsage around her wrist and whispered, "To the loveliest girl in the whole world." She then asked, "Is that true?" I nodded and she smiled and I smiled back then I turned to open the door for her. When we arrived at the gymnasium we hardly recognized our classmates. Gone were the jeans and T-shirts. They were replaced with tuxedos and gowns. Then I held out her hand bowed and said, "Would you give me the honor of your first dance?" She laughed and curtseyed. Then I led her to the dance floor. It was like a dream coming true, a moment of enchantment. I was there dancing with the only girl I ever loved. She was smiling up to me, as we were slowly moving in a smooth gliding motion. I found myself lost as I stared down to her sparkling eyes. The curls of her long hair were like waves enhancing her beautiful face. There were so many things I wanted to tell her that moment. I wanted to tell that she was the most beautiful girl that night. I wanted to tell her that she would always be the beacon of light in my darkness, but what I wanted to tell her the most was that I love her. I drew up all my courage and bent to whisper it in her ear but suddenly the music stopped and the magic was gone. I came close to telling her, but still haven't done it.

We walked towards the table and found ourselves surrounded by friends. I asked her if she wanted a drink, she nodded and so I went to get one. It took me a long time to get one and when I returned to our table, she was gone. I asked her friend, Katie, where she was but she told me that she doesn't know. So I went to search for her. As I was searching for her, I reached the garden. There I saw two silhouette figures outlined by the moon's silvery light. They were so close to each other that I could never describe the feeling I had when I recognized the white dress that Sam was wearing that night. I just turned and left the gymnasium.

Since that night, I avoided her. Many times she tried talking to me but I never gave her the chance to do so. I was afraid to hear her say that she loves Mark and not me. I would rather have left in ignorance of her true feelings for me than to hear from those dreaded words and feel my hope crush and my heart break. I didn't return her calls. I would not see her if she comes into our house. In the hallways, as she approaches I would go to another direction. It also hurts to do those things but then I thought that was the best way to forget her. Those months were tormenting but still I kept my pride.

The day of our graduation came. I was planning to take up medicine at a neighboring state and was to move out the next day. As the program ended, she approached me and handed me a rose. As she stared at me, there was something in her eyes I couldn't describe. There was sadness in them and when she smiled it wasn't the same smile she had. I wanted to hug her at that moment, tell her that I love her but then she turned and walked away from me.

So I moved out the next day as I planned. Luckily, I was accepted at the university. I concentrated with my studies but still I think of her at night. I was always wondering if she thinks of me too. I tried hard not to think of her but still I could not stop myself from loving her. Each achievement I have was done for her. I thought that if I will be successful one day, I would be able to tell her that I love her and by that time, I'm worthy of having her.

It was a year after our graduation when I decided to return home and see her again. I thought a year is too much for me not to see her and during the past year I felt like a person lost in the desert and only the sight of her could quench the thirst I have inside. As I got off the plane, I went home directly, desperate to get to her house desperate to see her, to hug her. Then I would tell her that I missed her and that I have loved her for a long time. This time I am determined to let her know my true feelings for her and I could not contain anymore the love I have for her. I reached their house; I saw her elder sister and I approached her. I smiled at her but I noticed she didn't smile back. I was confused for she used to be a cheerful lady just like my dear Sam. I then asked, "Hi Jen! I guess you're surprised why I'm here. Well I just want to visit you and I was also hoping to see Sam. I kind of miss her you know. Mmm… by the way have you seen her?" All I saw was sadness in her eyes as she replied quietly "Come follow me."

I was confused with the way she's acting but still I followed her. As we were walking, I was trying to indulge her in a conversation but she just answered my question briefly. Then I realized that she was leading me to the direction of the lake. It was still the same as I left it, with the same oak tree, Sam and I used to climb up. I smiled upon remembering the kiss Sam gave me when I agreed to be her partner. It's been one of the happiest days in my life and I realized that I missed Sam more than I thought. Then Jen stopped walking and pointed to the tree. She then whispered, "There's Sam."

I looked at where she was pointing and saw a newly dug tomb with the name of the girl I ever loved. I could not believe at what I saw and desperately tried convincing myself that this is all just a nightmare and I would soon wake up. I stared at Jenny in disbelief with her eyes searching for explanations and she slowly started saying, "It has been a week since she died. She died of Leukemia, but even though she was sick, she never stopped thinking about you. It was even your name she uttered before she died. She asked us to bury her here for she always regards this place as a place of LOVE. She said that this is where she had spent the happiest days and that was when she was with you. By the way, she also asked me to give you this." She handed me a parcel and with that she left.

I slowly opened the parcel and saw that it contained the dried orchid from the corsage I gave her for our prom. Then at the bottom I saw a letter. It was dated last month. I opened it with shaking hands and started reading........

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I know… by this time you read this letter I'm gone. I just want to tell you that I feel very lucky and thankful to God that I had a friend like you. I would also like you to know that I had left something inside, something I kept from you all these years. I love you Chris, not in a friendly way but as one who would feel like spending the rest of my life with. I have always loved you even from the start. I guess it just bloomed each day that's why the happiest days of my life was… when you were by my side. You just don't know how I dreamed of you at night and wake up in the morning and dream no more for you were with me. When you were away, I can't stop crying because I was afraid to think that you are with another girl. I just can't bear to see you with another girl. I just want you all to myself. I may sound selfish but that's how I feel.

Each time, you held me close to you, was like a dream coming true, for to be close to you and feel your heart beating next to mine was like heaven. So many things I did so that you will learn to love me but I NEVER saw a hint. I did everything to please you because I love you so much that I even tried to fool myself that you're in love with me too. So many nights I've cried when I think of myself unloved by you. Well you might think that what I'm saying are lies but, I tell you, my heart speaks the truth for I cannot bear telling a lie to the one I love. I know you might be thinking of Mark; but I just did that to make you jealous, to make you see me as a young woman, capable of loving and not as the little girl you used to play with. Sometimes I imagined that you were jealous and fooled myself that it was a sign that you feel something for me too. When Mark and I broke up and I came crying, I just did that to know… how you would react and with that I'll know that you love me too. But I failed for you didn't give me any clue. When our prom night came, you just don't know how happy I was when you handed me the corsage and saying that I was the loveliest girl in the whole world. While we were dancing, I wanted so desperately to hear you say that you love me too but you NEVER did. When Mark came and pleaded me to give him a second chance, I was scared that you might see us talking. I didn't want you to get the wrong impression so I told him we would talk in the garden. There I explained to him that it's you whom I really love.

What happened next was that I found you missing and later learned that you were searching for me, I just concluded that you saw us together. The next day, I tried to explain but then you never gave me a chance to do so. You continuously avoided me and never knew how much pain I've experienced that time. I felt the world crushing on me. In our Graduation day, when I approached you, I wanted to tell you… how much I loved you but I decided that I just couldn't do it. I could not bear to hear that all you feel for me is just brotherly hand of love. For I want you to love me as a woman and not as a girl or playmate. So I just turned away and left.

Now that saying I LOVE YOU might be too late, but still I want you to know that I will always love you and my heart has always been and will be yours alone.

P.S.: Think of me sometimes... and always remember that loving you was the best thing that ever happened in my life.

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I felt my tears falling as I folded the letter. I wanted to shout out to let her know that I love her, if not as much, but more than she did for me. I love her more than anything in this world. I knelt touching the soil of her grave and rain started to fall. I continued crying softly and whispered, "Oh God, send my love to heaven."

Letting go...

Today, the battle ends…
But no one emerges with victory.
All are wounded… all are in pain.
Everybody gets hurt in order to be right.

I shall stop fighting against myself
For you… the very reason for the fight…
The very weapon in my hands…
Is not mine to use…
Is never mine to keep.

You…
A spirit as tranquil as the lush green plains…
Like a precious diamond you sparkle…
So pure… so perfect…
How could you be so real?

Who am I to have you?
Who am I to hold you?

I…
The sun at mid day that dries up the lush green plains…
The dust that tarnishes the diamond…
So broken and shattered…
So real…

You’ve given me strength…
And letting go weakens me inside
Tearing me into pieces…

You wanted to keep me…
But as your grip tightens… your hands begin to bleed…
Yet you still hold me with your loving arms…
It hurts me even more…

So today I am letting go…
Not because I don’t love you…
But because I care…
I care for you so much…
So much more than I ever care for myself.

Not that you are not enough for me…
But because I will never be enough for you…
The love that you can give…
Is never mine to receive…
You need more… and I can never give you more…
I have nothing more to give…
Because I’m nothing.

Fly away to where you belong…
For this lonely heart is not your home…
Hell is not meant for angels to dwell…

I shall watch you from afar
As I pick up the shattered pieces of myself.
That’s how the universe must be
Balanced… in harmony.

You are a beautiful melody…
But not if you’re with me.

Be the most beautiful song that I never could sing…
The most beautiful star I could never wish on…
The most beautiful dream I could never realize.

Kawawa ka naman... ikaw kasi e!

Umagang-umaga nagpi-friendster ka. Me hinihintay ka bang "new friend request"? O baka naman message ang hinihintay mo? Di naman kaya umaasa kang titingnan nya ang profile mo, kaya panay ang tingin mo sa "who's viewed me"? Asa ka pa!

Teka, bakit mo ba sya hinihintay? Me usapan ba kayo? Nagkita ba kayo lately tapos sinabihan mo syang i-invite ka nya sa friendster? Hindi naman di ba? In fact, hindi ka nga sigurado kung naaalala ka pa nya, o kung masaya ba sya pag naaalala ka nya.

Wala ka ng choice, at naiinip ka na rin. So this is it. Feeling mo kailangan mo gawin to. Nagdadalawang-isip ka pa kc makikita ka nya sa "who's viewed me". Kunwari ka pa! Gusto mo naman e. Gusto mong magparamdam. Gusto mong malaman nya na buhay ka pa.

Hinanap mo sya... pero hindi mo makita. Asan na kaya sya? Naku... baka simula nung nawala ka hindi na rin sya nag-friendster. GANUN? So importante ka pa rin sa kanya? E bakit wala na sya?

Next step. Tiningnan mo ang friendster ng mga kaibigan nya. Sa wakas, me napala ka rin... un nga lang.

Kawawa ka naman... Sa picture mo na lang sya nakikita ngayon, at kailangan mo makuntento dahil wala ng ibang paraan. Buti na lang pwede ng maraming pictures sa friendster ngayon... at buti na lang kahit paano e naeextra sya sa mga pictures ng barkada nya.

Kawawa ka naman... hanggang tingin ka na lang. Samantalang dati ang lapit nya. Feeling mo naman ganun ka kaganda para hindi nya magawang iwan ka. Asan ka ngayon?

Kawawa ka naman... tinitingnan mo syang nakangiti kasama ng ibang tao. Ang saya-saya. Ganyan din sya ngumiti noon pag kasama ka nya.

Kawawa ka naman... dati kahit anong oras mo sya kailanganin hindi ka nagdadalawang-salita. Ngayon nagtyatyaga kang i-save lahat ng pictures nya para lang kahit paano makita mo sya lagi.

Kawawa ka naman... dati kasa-kasama mo sya. Pakiramdam mo me mali sa mga pictures na tinitingnan mo. Parang dapat ikaw ang katabi nya. Ginawan mo ngayon ng paraan... itinabi mo ung picture mo sa picture nyang dinekwat mo sa friendster.

Eew! Dapat ka na bang tawaging desperada? Hindi naman siguro. Baka mas dapat kang tawaging TANGA!

Baket?

Ikaw kasi e... Minahal ka nya. Sabi nya he never knew about love till he found you. Alam mong totoo un dahil ikaw ang unang minahal nya... pero ikaw rin ang unang nanakit sa kanya.

Ikaw kasi e... Sumuko ka. Isang away-bata lang sumuko ka na agad. Sabagay, bata pa kayo nun. Pero alam mong pwede mo pang bawiin nung nakita mo syang umiiyak at humihingi ng tawad. Pero matigas ang ulo mo.

Ikaw kasi e... Mainipin ka. Minadali mo ang lahat. Minadali mong tuparin nya ung pangako nyang magiging kayo ulet. At nung di ka makahintay, humanap ka ng iba. Me nahanap ka ba? Siguro meron... marami. Ang tanong: meron bang kahit isang pumalit sa kanya? Aba ewan ko! Basta ang alam ko hanggang ngayon hindi ka pa rin masaya.

Ikaw kasi e... Hindi ka nagtiwala. Ilang beses syang lumapit sa 'yo. Lagi syang nasa tabi mo, naghihintay na sya naman ang mapansin mo. Ready na sya e. Pero hindi mo sya tinanggap dahil natatakot kang ikaw naman ang iwan nya. Ang tanga mo! Tingin mo magtyatyaga sya ng ganun katagal para lang lokohin ka. Tsk, tsk, tsk... illogical.

Ikaw kasi e...

Yan tuloy, sumuko sya. Napagod sya. Humanap sya ng iba. Malas mo, nakakita sya.

Pero hindi pa rin un e. Alam mong me pag-asa pa, pero dahil lang nasaktan ka nung nalaman mong me nakita na sya, lumayo ka ulet. Pagmamahal? Pagpaparaya? NO! Pride ang tawag jan. Alam mo namang ikaw pa rin ang pipiliin nya, hindi ka man lang lumaban at naghintay. Lumayo ka dahil pakiramdam mo niloko ka nya. Paano naman ung ilang taong pinaasa mo sya?

Huli na nung ma-realize mo... last chance na pala ung pinalampas mo.

Ngayon wala na sya. Hindi mo alam kung paano sya hahanapin. Di mo rin alam kung hinihintay ka nya. Hindi mo matanggap na posibleng me iba na talaga sya. Pero kailangan mo tanggapin... the same way na tinanggap nya ng maraming beses na me iba ka na.

Ngayon naiiyak ka. Di mo rin kasi matanggap na totoo lahat ng sinasabi ko. Pero pinipigil mo pa rin ang luha mo, kasi hindi mo sigurado kung me karapatan kang umiyak. Ikaw ang me gusto nito. Bakit ka iiyak?

Sabi nila masakit daw magpakatanga sa taong mahal na mahal mo pero hindi ka naman mahal. Pero sa nakikita ko, mas masakit ata ung minahal ka nung tao, pero naging tanga ka at pinabayaan mo sya. Paano ko nasabi? E nagkakaganyan ka e!

Kawawa ka naman... Ikaw kasi e!

I did the right thing...

I am sitting at the farthest seat... seeing him from afar. I don't know what kind of emotion dwells inside me. How would you call a feeling which is a mix of failure and success, of regret and triumph, of having lost and having found? Whatever it is, it lingers all over me, travelling through my veins, giving me that cold, uneasy feeling inside.

I met him in this very same place. We were singing, while he was playing the keyboards, teaching us. During breaktimes he would share stories with us, laugh with us, and sometimes just sat there with us. I loved laughing at his jokes. I loved listening to whatever he said. Moments with him were never boring... He has this aura and tone that will make you want to always listen to him.

There are many things to like about him.... but I liked it most when he would play the keyboards from his heart. He puts his soul into his music. Every sound he produces from those ebony and ivory keys is an expression of his inner self. But not everyone noticed it the way I did... that's why no one but me looked at him so deeply. No one but me listened to his music so eagerly.

Later, he made me understand why I loved his music. Not only could I relate to it... It speaks of me. His notes, his words, his movements, everything I saw and liked about him, was all about me. He loved me... He loved me so much and it was the only way he could let his feelings out. His songs spoke of hope, pain and confusion... Hope that someday we could be together. Pain because to have me he had to make a great sacrifice. Confusion because he didn't know if it was right to make such a sacrifice so we could be together.

He didn't tell me at first. But the power of his music reached my soul... Suddenly, I found my soul singing with him. I felt so connected to him. I found myself in love with him...

His plans changed. He used to be so determined to achieve his dream, but he decided to abandon his lifelong dream for me. He made that sacrifice of choosing me over the One who chose him. Then he had me.

At first it was a perfect relationship. He was my perfect guy and I was his perfect girl. Never was there a day when he didn't make me feel special. Even if we were so apart, he never failed to make me feel his love for me. It wasn't everyday that we communicated. In fact we seldom did. Perhaps it was the innate connection that made everything possible despite the distance and the odds. And in those very few stolen moments, we filled each minute with love so that our hearts would have something special to cherish.... until we could steal another moment for the two of us.

But reality is always there to wake us from our deep slumber. I fooled myself into thinking that we were building our dreams together, that I was really the one for him, that he belonged to my world, and that everything was just a preparation for my coming into his life. But everytime I looked at him, all I saw were still pain and confusion. I wasn't building his dream, I was destroying it. He does not belong to my world, because he was called for something more important. Everything did not happen in preparation for my coming into his life... The truth is, I was brought into his life to test the strength of his heart. I was a test that became a roadblock.

Then everything changed. It had to go back to its place, to where everything was before I came. He kept on telling me that he wanted to stay, that he didn't want to go back. But I felt fear in his words. Inside him was something different. I knew the Voice was so strong, and it is only his love for me that hindered him. He was so weak to do it, so I had to be strong for him. I had to be the one to decide. I did. I put an end to the two of us.

I saw him break down and cry. I heard him ask countless questions, and I saw him break down even more when he seemed to find no answer. I wanted to still be there for him, but I kept my distance because I knew that it was the right thing to do... and to still be with him even as a friend would make forgetting even more difficult for him. I had to go, and my leaving had to be as abrupt and as painful as I can. I wanted him to get hurt so that he could give up on romantic love and start to hate it. I wanted him to get mad at me so that it would be easier for him to let go and move on.

I went on with my life. At the start it was so difficult. But knowing that I did the right thing made it easier for me to deal with everything. Eventually, I bounced back to the wide world of mine, and became happy in it. There were still times when I think about him and what could have happened if I didn't end it. Would we still be together? Would he end up with another girl? Or would he be the one to break up to go on with his dream, and leave me in tears? But hearing news about him erased all those questions in my head. He did great in his journey... and he was just a few steps away from finally getting there. A few people who know about our past sometimes told me that he missed me, and that he still loved me. But I never dwelt on that thought. It would only bring back the pain, coupled with regret in the idea that I didn't make the right choice.

Now I'm still here in my place... Still seeing him from afar. He is there... at the altar, in white... raising the Holy Bread and Wine. He did it. He realized his plans, reached his dreams, and followed the Voice inside his heart. He is now a priest, and I am attending the Holy Mass that he celebrates. There used to be just him and me. Now, it is him, me, the other parishioners, and God. The mixed emotions I felt turned into feelings of pride, happiness and fulfillment. My sacrifice was paid off. His pain and tears were worth it. Finally...

As I stare into the image of Jesus Christ on the Cross behind him, I close my eyes and say a prayer to God, thanking Him for guiding us into the right track, for making me an instrument in strengthening his vocation, and for making everything all right. Then I open my eyes...and seeing him again, I tap my own shoulder and tell myself... I did the right thing.

While You Are Sleeping

This is a song written out of love...

I wanted to tell you
How I love those eyes that stare at me with love
I wanna let you know
You’re the greatest gift someone like me could have
I melt inside when you smile at me
And when you hold my hand, I know
Forever you will be with me…

But I tremble when I try to speak
And I don’t know how to start
There’s only one way I could tell you
What’s inside my heart

While you are lying beside me tonight
I’ll whisper those words while holding you tight
I’ll be watching over you
While painting your face in my heart
That knows no other love but you
When you wake up tomorrow
I’ll still be with you
I’ll be waiting for another night
And while you’re sleeping
I’ll tell it all to you over again…

I wonder if you
Could hear my voice and see me in your dreams
I hope you could feel my love
As I wrap you in my warm and sweet embrace
I am yours and you are for me
And until the end of time, I know
Together we will always be…

I will love you forever
The best way I know how
There are just things I’d like you to know
And I wanna say them now

So while you are lying beside me tonight
I’ll whisper those words while holding you tight
I’ll be watching over you
While painting your face in my heart
That knows no other love but you
When you wake up tomorrow
I’ll still be with you
I’ll be waiting for another night
And while you’re sleeping
I’ll tell it all to you over again…

Don't Tell Them It's Over

Once, a friend of mine opened up to me and shared her PATHETIC love story. I cried with her... and my emotions and feeling of sympathy moved me to write this song...

So, you’ll go
Telling me that leaving is the right thing to do
You want me to let go
But that’s one thing I can’t do
Coz in my heart it’s always you

I can’t go on
It’s so hard to understand what went wrong
But if there’s no other way
I can ever make you stay
Then I’ll have to see you walk away

Refrain:
Before you break my heart and go
There’s one thing I’m asking from you….

Chorus:
Please don’t tell them that it’s over
Let’s pretend that we are still together
I never want them to see
The pain inside of me
Honey, it won’t take long
Coz soon you will be back into my arms
Where you belong

If they know a thing
They’d come to see the pain that I am feeling
And when they look into my eyes
I’ll only get to realize
That you’re no longer by my side

Oh, I know
The ones who care for us would be hurting, too
Spare them from the pain
Alone, I’ll cry in the rain
Don’t let them see it’s killing me

Refrain:
They would tell me to let go
But I still find it hard to do, so…

(Chorus)

Bridge:
I still wanna face each day believing
That you are still with me
Let me fool myself and live with lies
Oh please, just let it be
The only way I can live my life
Is to spend it loving you
I never want them all to know
I’m just too weak to let go
I can’t let go…

(Chorus)

Where you belong…
Please don’t tell them that we’re through
Till I can finally let you go…

Move on!

Written during my review for the CPA board (if my memory serves me right)...

Here I am again, playing with the keys of my computer, trying to think of the right words to define what’s in my mind. I’m staring at the screen, hoping that the answers to all my questions would just come out. But all I see is a blank sheet, waiting for me to put something in it. And inside me is nothing but abstract thoughts...

Minutes went on, and those shattered pieces of my ideas began to form a vivid image of the man I’m trying so hard not to think of, but is insisting to stay in my head. That man is you. So I realized that it isn’t my brain, but my heart, that speaks within me. My mind knows who I should think of, and it’s certainly not you, for reasons we both know. It is my heart that doesn’t welcome any reason. It only feels for you.

That budding feeling inside me has grown into its full blossom. You used to be on my mind in my quiet moments. But now, I think of you in even the noisiest time of the day. I no longer miss you in solitude, for in those moments, I just close my eyes and I’m with you. Taking a glimpse of your smile in your photograph is enough to keep me going whenever I feel like giving up. I finally found the perfect words to define this feeling. What else could this be, but Love?

If this is just a dream, then this is the most wonderful dream I ever had. So please don’t wake me up yet. I’m not yet ready to see beyond this fantasy. You might not be there when I wake up. Spare me this moment to experience how it is to be loved by you. Give me this chance to know you better, to set the dove in my heart free. Perhaps, by going through this dream, I could have the strength to step back to reality, and find the one who’s really meant for me. If it would be you, then nothing could be more wonderful than to live my dream. But if not, memories of you should be enough for me to go on.

Forgive me for not being brave enough to fight for my feelings. I can’t trade my future for this short moment of bliss. I’m still unsure where my real happiness is. If it’s in you, please show me. If you’re the right one, please fight for me, and if you would win, please take care of me. To regret is the last thing I would ever want to do.

I don’t know where tomorrow will lead me. So if this is my last chance, I opt to take it. I’d rather tell you how I feel at this very moment, than be sorry for myself if this chance would not come again.

I LOVE YOU.

I'm Learning My Lesson

I wrote this when I was in college...

One of Life’s greatest lessons has been delivered to me. It didn’t require me to enroll in any university…no homework, recitations, projects and quizzes. I wish it could be that easy, but I have to learn it the hard way. I am the student, Life is my professor, Love is the subject, and the most effective tool that Life is using for me… is pain. I have to take down my notes on the blank sheets in my heart using the sharpest pen, and every stroke hurts me. Memories, regrets, broken hopes and shattered dreams are all engraved in my heart.

Years ago, I met a boy who brought music into my quiet world. My little universe turned into the brightest galaxy. We knew it was true love, I mean, what else could it be? We started to share each other’s dreams and build castles in the air. But because we were both young and impulsive, a single, petty quarrel ended our fairy tale…

…So I thought.

Our relationship ended, but not our story. We promised to wait for each other until we get ready for a lifetime commitment. But I easily gave up and started searching for my own happiness away from him. I had been trying to look for what I think I deserve, but at the deepest part of my heart, it has always been him. I learned to appreciate, and love, the other guys that came into my life, but everytime I’d step out of a relationship, his company would be my resting place. That could mean nothing but love. He waited for me with such great patience, endured every strand of pain I caused him, embraced me with open arms whenever I’d run into him, and selflessly gave me freedom when another man would take me away from him.

Recently, I decided to finally set my hidden feelings free. He was there, sharing few but precious moments with me. Once again, I got the chance to experience that different kind of happiness that only my One True Love can give. Everything happened so fast, and if action truly speaks louder than words, I would say that we were already having our second chance. He told me that he is already a changed man, that he loved me, and that he wanted me back. I never gave him any direct answer, but I showed him just what it is. I still love him… I have always loved him… and I love him beyond what any word can define.

Just when I thought everything was already in its proper place, the bitter truth was revealed to me. There is already another girl in his life. He got tired of waiting for me. The whole time I thought that he was holding on, he was actually letting go. I felt so helpless; I could do nothing but cry for the death of my dreams. I didn’t get the license to get mad at him. In fact, I understand. I kept him hanging for so long, and it’s perfectly natural for him to give up. It’s just so sad that he had to go for me to realize how much I love him, and what he really means to me.

People tell me to let him go, and just choose someone else who would be willing to do anything for me. I have always been in control, but this time, I’m too powerless. How will I forget him when everytime I try, my mind takes me back to the times when he told me that he loved me with all sincerity? I can only recall our happy memories, for if there are sad ones, I have forgotten about them. I’m holding on, believing that everything he told me was true. He may already belong to someone else, but it doesn’t stop me from hoping that inside of him, it’s still me.

Truly, there are many options available for me, but because I love him, I’m choosing him. Who cares if I’m being stupid? I’m not losing hope that perhaps, it’s just one of the many challenges I need to face before I could spend the rest of my life with him. My world has always been so bright, so maybe I need some darkness to better appreciate the light he is giving me. He had done great sacrifices for me, so why not do the same for him? He had waited for me, and I guess it’s time for me to pay him back.

Every second of waiting kills me, but no matter how painful it is, I still find happiness in every tear that I shed for him. Someday, my tears would create a river going to the ocean where he is…then he would be sailing back to me.

Love entered my life and gave me so much happiness, but because I didn’t handle it with utmost care, it slipped off my grasp and flew away. Now, I’m learning my lesson. When true love comes along, hold it with both hands. Never hesitate to show the person you love how much he means to you. Tomorrow might be too late. Life showed me that time can change everything. There is never an assurance that when a person loved you once, he will be yours forever.

I don’t know if he would still come back to me, but I won’t force myself to forget him when I really can’t. I know that someday, our paths will meet again. The love that he felt for me before is the same love that will bring him back to me. I’ll keep on waiting for as long as I love him. I owe it to him… I owe it to myself.